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How Underestimating Others Creates Hidden Barriers in Relationships

Summary: Underestimating someone—whether it's a friend, a co-worker, or a family member—can quietly erode trust and stunt growth in any kind of relationship. In this article, I'll break down what really happens when you undervalue someone, give some personal and real-world examples, and toss in a table comparing how different countries verify trust in trade (because, weirdly, the feeling of being "verified" is a common thread from family dinners to international commerce). With references to expert opinions, you'll get an honest, slightly messy look at both the harm done and what you can actually do about it—no generic advice, just firsthand experience.

Why This Matters: Fixing the Subtle but Dangerous Problem of Being Undervalued

We all want to feel seen and respected. But being underestimated, even unintentionally, feels like someone's put a lid on your potential. You stop sharing ideas, maybe even start doubting yourself. If you've ever had a boss who ignored your input, or a family member who kept handing you "easy" tasks at gatherings, you'll know the sting I'm talking about.

I'm trying to answer: How does underestimating someone impact relationships—friendships, workplaces, families? And more than that: What does research, regulation, and the messiness of real life say about it?

Step by Step: What Happens When Someone Feels Undervalued

Step 1: Recognition (Or Lack Thereof)

The moment you notice someone’s ideas or efforts are overlooked, that's step one. This happened to me early in my career. I’d joined a small startup—freshly minted master's degree, loads of enthusiasm. The founder, though, kept handing key projects to others, later asking for minor support or admin work from me. It stung. I started wondering if I was just…invisible? A colleague later confessed: "We all thought you were smart but maybe too shy for front-line work." Ouch. And, right there, frustration crept in.

Real talk: A Harvard Business Review article from 2021 summarizes studies showing employees who feel undervalued are twice as likely to look for new work. (Try reading the comment section—lots of angry, real-world stories.)

Step 2: Behavioral Change (Withdrawal or Overcompensation)

Once that feeling sets in, you either withdraw or overcompensate. I've seen my friend Ben in group projects simply stop caring—he'd do the bare minimum, never volunteer for anything "extra." Meanwhile, I've overcompensated: volunteering for everything, trying to "prove" myself. It’s exhausting, and a little self-defeating.

Research by Hodges & Geyer, SAGE Open, 2020 confirms this two-way reaction: underestimation commonly triggers “shutdown” or “burnout” responses in both work and social settings.

Step 3: Relationship Strain—and Sometimes Rupture

It doesn’t take long for resentment to build up. At work, this means less engagement, more passive-aggressive comments (“Guess you didn’t need my opinion anyway!”), and sometimes quitting. In families, people may start “phoning in” participation, excuse themselves from planning, or just—my favorite—become dramatically silent at the dinner table. Yes, I have receipts (see my own cousin’s now-iconic Thanksgiving protest of ‘just mashed potatoes’).

The APA notes that feeling undervalued is a core driver in family estrangement—one of the hardest relationship breakdowns to repair.

Practical Example: What "Undervaluing" Looks Like Up Close

In 2022, I consulted for a local tech company. There was a team of engineers—let’s call them Team Rocket—and their most junior member, Alice, always got the most basic debug tickets. The manager thought he was "protecting" her from stress. Alice, meanwhile, privately ran a developer blog where she solved tougher problems for fun. One day, she fixed a major backend crash before her "mentors" even logged on. When senior staff realized they’d misjudged her, they not only lost her respect—she accepted a rival firm's offer a month later. That cost the team weeks retraining and a key new partner. (I've asked Alice if she'd let me share a redacted version of this story; she's fine with it!)

Mini Case: "Verified Trust" in International Trade

If you think underestimating happens only between people, take a look at how nations verify trust. In international trade, "verified trade" means confirming identities, standards, or processes—for example, whether food is really organic, or if a product meets safety rules. Countries actually have very different approaches to this.

Experts at the WTO have called out the friction that happens when countries don't acknowledge each other's verification systems. It's a fancy form of underestimation: "We don’t trust your certification!" It creates massive tension, delays, even trade wars. For instance, when the US refused to accept some European organics certification (see the USDA International Organic Trade Arrangements), it set off months of negotiation and more bureaucracy for businesses.

Country / Entity Verified Trade Standard Name Legal Basis Enforcement Agency
US National Organic Program (NOP) 7 CFR Part 205 USDA
EU EU Organic Regulation Regulation (EU) 2018/848 European Commission
Japan JAS Organic Standard Law Concerning Standardization MAFF

When Worlds Collide: An Expert's Perspective

Here’s what Dr. Jamie Ruiz, WTO technical standards advisor, told me in a call (I'm paraphrasing, but here’s the gist): "Whenever countries ignore or underestimate each other's verification systems, it’s exactly like a boss not trusting their team’s work. It breeds frustration, slows everything down, and wastes everyone's time testing what’s already been tested." This is why the WTO pushes for "mutual recognition agreements"—which are, basically, treaties promising not to undervalue each other's standards (see WTO Technical Barriers to Trade guidance).

How to Actually Fix It: My Own Trial-and-Error Guide

Now, nobody likes being undervalued—but it's even less fun realizing you might be doing it to others.

  • Call out assumptions: I once spent a team meeting just listening, only contributing at the end. When a colleague assumed I hadn’t been engaged ("Are you lost?"), I had to gently break the news: "Actually, I was connecting the dots—you just didn’t see it." We laughed, but it put me back in the loop.
  • Rotate responsibilities: At family events now, we rotate who organizes, cooks, and cleans. The youngest cousin, Max, handled the entire BBQ last year. Not a single undercooked burger—which got a standing ovation, not kidding.
  • Seek verification, not assumption: I never assume someone “can't” do something. I ask. Sometimes, I'll test my trust by giving stretch tasks, like letting a newer colleague pitch in client meetings. It's led to some stumbles, but also surprising wins.

End Note: Why This Still Trips Me Up—And What You Can Do Next

So here’s me, after a decade of working with teams, still sometimes forgetting to value quieter voices or different backgrounds. Sometimes I over-prepare, sometimes I flub an assignment just because I thought I "already knew" someone’s limits (I did this with a junior analyst who turned out to be a wizard at data viz).

No single book or guideline can fix this, but if you start by noticing your own assumptions and making space for others to surprise you, most relationships will recover—sometimes with a little apology, sometimes with a promotion, sometimes just with a better group chat vibe. And if you’re in industry, keep track of how official standards get recognized (or dismissed) across borders. Your bottom line might just thank you—even if your ego takes a ding.

Next steps: Try a "role reversal" day at work or home—let the least-expected person lead a task. Read through your industry’s official verification policies (links above). And honestly, just ask your friend or colleague, “Hey, do you feel like your strengths are used here?” That one question can open a dozen doors.


References:
- Harvard Business Review (2021)
- SAGE Open, Hodges & Geyer, 2020
- American Psychological Association (2018)
- WTO World Trade Report 2021
- USDA International Trade Arrangements
- EU Regulation 2018/848
- Japan MAFF Organic Standard

Author: Alex Lee, international trade consultant and team dynamics coach, with direct experience in cross-continental projects, workplace mentoring, and enough trial-and-error to last a lifetime.

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